Do It with a Tender Heart
Michael Posey
It was hard to leave our old church. Cathy and I got married there. Our friends and memories were there. For
the first time in six years we didn't know where we were going to worship next Sunday. Steve, a black brother in
the Lord, invited me to the church that sponsored his kids' school. So on Sunday my family met at Steve's house
and followed him to Cornerstone Christian Center.
I wasn't prepared for what I saw. The congregation was 95% white. “No big deal,” I said inside. “I'll sit through
this one service, pack up my family, and never come back.” I knew God wasn't leading us to a white church.
But a strange thing happened. Everybody else in my family loved it. My kids were so excited about children's
church that they asked to go back. For three weeks we were at this church, and each week the pastor preached about
my life. I attended this white church, I was down at the altar crying!
I had a big problem. Cathy suggested I talk to the pastor. He and his wife seemed friendly. I thought they actually
wanted us there. So I took a chance and set up a meeting. If this was where God wanted us, I didn't want to be
a hindrance.
I walked into Greg's office and talked about things I had never shared with another man. Finally I told him
I wasn't comfortable around white people. I didn't trust them. I let them intimidate me. What could I do? I emptied
my heart to this white guy and sat there wondering what he would say. Could he understand how difficult it was
for me to say these things? Could I trust him?
Greg responded with understanding, honesty, and compassion. He acknowledged that he didn't have answers for
everything I was dealing with, but could understand why. This was the first of many conversations we had as we
learned more about each other, ourselves, and other races. In the months to follow the truth challenged our assumptions.
Our perceptions changed as we learned to view the world through someone else's eyes. This process involved two
key ingredients: sincerity and sensitivity.
Toleration Ain't Reconciliation
Raleigh Washington and Glen Kehrein are another inter-racial ministry team in the Chicago area. They define
sincerity as “the willingness to be vulnerable, including the self-disclosure of feelings, attitudes, differences,
and perceptions, with the goal of resolution and building trust.” [Raleigh Washington and Glen Kehrein, Breaking
Down Walls (Chicago: Moody Press, 1993), 141.]
Jesus modeled this kind of sincerity when He called His disciples friends (John 15:14).
Word Wealth
Friends is one of the beautiful words of the Bible. It's the “phil-” part of philanthropy, philosophy,
and Philadelphia. An adjective used as a noun, philos denotes a loved one or an affectionate friend. This
kind of friendship is based on natural and mutual attraction between the friends. Philos thus has congeniality
about it. [Spirit-Filled Life® Bible (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1991), 1595, “Word Wealth:
John 11:11, friend.”]
What is the difference between building real friendships with people and building relationships that are utilitarian?
(John 15:15)
By what standard are we to gauge our love for our friends? (John 15:12)
What is the greatest display of love for our friends? How did Jesus demonstrate His love for His? (John 15:13)
Based on Jesus' idea of Christian friendship, what are some costs you can foresee paying to establish and maintain
a friendship with someone of another race or culture?
Jesus started out as the master of a group of disciples and ended up as their sincere friend (John 15:15). The
hallmark of that sincerity was transparency. Jesus' desire for this level of friendship was not reactive but proactive.
He initiated it.
Jesus found that sincere friendships with His disciples left Him vulnerable to betrayal. When Judas betrayed
Jesus with a kiss (Matt. 26:49), he used the most intimate expression of friendship to point Jesus out to the posse
charged with bringing Him in.
Even while Judas betrayed Him, Jesus called him “friend” (Matt. 26:50). Why do you think He did so?
Kingdom Extra
Being vulnerable as a leader means to stand totally open as a human being, hiding nothing and refusing to defend
oneself. Few things elicit more of a response from people than to sense they are dealing with someone who feels
their pain and understands their need, which they only discover if the leader is vulnerable enough to disclose
as much. When Jesus refused to defend Himself the night of His arrest, Peter's protective action severed the ear
of the high priest's bodyguard. Immediately, Jesus reached out to heal His enemy, making Himself vulnerable to
a return sword thrust, since His reaching for the man's head easily could have been interpreted as another hostile
move. Vulnerability may expose to misunderstanding, but it will also bring healing. [Ibid., 1458–1459, “Kingdom
Dynamics: Matt. 26:47–54, Vulnerability.”]
Not only did Jesus refuse to defend himself when betrayed, but He assisted the man wounded by one of His friends
(Luke 22:51). In the ministry of reconciliation we must watch for defensiveness. In what areas of your life do
you tend to be defensive?
How might this defensiveness be detrimental in the developing and maintaining of sincere cross-cultural relationships?
Identify a time you attempted to be transparent in a cross-cultural relationship. What was the outcome?
Why do you think this attempt at sincere transparency succeeded or failed?
It's hard to share your life—“background, home life, strengths and weaknesses, relationship struggles, thoughts
and attitudes, dreams and goals, reactions and feelings” [Breaking Down Walls, 144.] with someone from another
race. Paul demonstrated this type of openness with the Thessalonian Christians, who remained his special friends
throughout his life.
What evidences of sincerity, openness, and vulnerability do you find in Paul's description of his relationship
with the Thessalonians? (1 Thess. 2:1–12)
What do you think motivates a leader to care for people as Paul did in 1 Thessalonians 2:8?
If you enter a cross-cultural relationship, what would it mean for you to impart your life to that one?
Faith Alive
Rod Cooper, national director of education for Promise Keepers, lists five levels of relationships.
• The first level is talking about the weather, sports or other inconsequential matters.
• The second level is to offer an opinion about the weather or sports.
• The third level is the expression of a belief.
• The fourth is when others share their dreams, fears, and emotions with me.
• The fifth is when I share my dreams, fears, and emotions with others. [Rod Cooper, “INTO-ME-SEE/Intimacy,”
New Man (March/April 1995), 42.]
Without naming names, give an example of each level of relationship from your circle of friends.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Many people with cross-cultural relationships never get past the third level. Some function in level four but
never move to level five. They think they have intimate relationships but they need to share their lives as well.
Who is your best friend of another race?
At what level is your relationship with that friend operating?
What can you do to move that relationship to level five?
Saying What Polite People Never Say
The response to the verdict rendered in the 1995 O.J. Simpson trial illuminated the conflicting views on the
status of race relations in America. All across the land television cameras were positioned to capture the response
of Americans as the verdict was read. The cameras showed jubilant blacks celebrating the “not guilty” verdict while
whites sat stunned in disbelief.
In the days to follow this was “the topic” on every talk radio station in Chicago and, I suspect, the nation.
There was one question in particular that caught my interest while driving, “If you are white, are you able to
discuss the verdict with a black friend?” (The reverse question was posed to blacks.) Many people responded with
a “no.”
There were such strong conflicting emotions attached to the O.J. decision that many people did not feel comfortable
discussing it with someone of another race. So blacks talked to blacks about whites, and whites talked to whites
about blacks. The O.J. trial merely illustrated the danger of people of one ethnic group talking about another
ethnic group. Usually this just reinforces stereotypes.
The Old Testament law contained a statute against this kind of behavior. What term did the Law attach to those
who talk about others instead of to them? (Lev. 19:16)
What kinds of things motivate us to speak ill of people of other races? (Lev. 19:17; Prov. 18:8)
If you've been accustomed to thinking and speaking badly of another ethnic group, how do you think you can change
that pattern?
It's touchy, but it is necessary in cross-cultural relationships to go to your brother and talk things out openly
and honestly. How do you think truth and love need to cooperate in order to produce sincere Christian friendships
across racial lines? (Eph. 4:15)
What happens to sincere communication in an interracial friendship when either truth or love is missing?
• Truth without love
• Love without truth
Ephesians 4:25–32 traces a progression of steps in building a sincere relationship. Identify the step to a strong
relationship in each of the following verses and apply it to establishing a sincere interracial friendship.
1. (Eph. 4:25)
2. (Eph. 4:26, 27)
3. (Eph. 4:29)
4. (Eph. 4:30, 31)
5. (Eph. 4:32)
Please, Listen with Your Heart
The second ingredient in the relationship Greg Howse and I have built is sensitivity. Washington and Kehrein
describe sensitivity as “the intentional acquisition of knowledge in order to relate empathetically to a person
of a different race and culture.” [Breaking Down Walls, 155.]
Communication is essential in the ministry of racial reconciliation. But because we come from diverse backgrounds
and communities, we sometimes don't know how to start. For example, I have heard many whites admit the fear of
referring to someone in the black community with the wrong terminology. There was a time when “Negro” or “Colored”
was proper, then the social term changed to “Black,” and more recently “African-American” is being used. To some
this may not seem like a big issue, but I have seen the issue of correct terminology become an obstacle in healing
the rift between the races. Reconciliation can be difficult if we are only sensitive to words and not to hearts.
I call sensitivity “listening with your heart.”
Sensitivity means being aware of uncomfortable situations for your brother of a different race. Greg was asked
to perform a funeral for a relative of a black couple in our church. This was the first black funeral at which
Greg officiated. Usually Greg and I assist each other with cultural customs in order not to offend anyone because
of ignorance. On this occasion I was out of town. Greg had a relationship with the black pastor of the church where
the funeral was being held. This man stayed close by and helped Greg when he ran into any unfamiliar areas. Greg
wanted to be sensitive to the people he was ministering to, and this pastor was sensitive to Greg.
The book of Proverbs contains several sayings about sensitivity in speaking and listening. What do you think
Solomon meant when he said that the heart of the wise teaches his mouth? (Prov. 16:23)
Why do you think it's so hard to regain someone's confidence after offending them with racially insensitive
remarks or actions? (Prov. 18:19)
Kingdom Extra
The theme of brotherhood emerges early in Scripture; and from the very beginning, it is clear that God places
a high priority on how brothers treat each other. In Genesis 4:1–9 the question of responsibility for one another
first emerges. Cain asks, “Am I my brother's keeper?” The word used for “keeper” (Hebrew shamar) means “to
guard, to protect, to attend, or to regard.” Are we responsible? “Absolutely,” is God's answer. Not only are we
our brother's keeper, we are held accountable for our treatment of and our ways of relating to our brothers (blood
and spiritual).
For Cain's sins against his brother, God curses him throughout the Earth, takes away his ability to farm, and
sentences him to a life as a fugitive and a vagabond (v. 12). This clearly indicates that unbrotherliness destines
one to fruitlessness and frustration of purpose. [Spirit-Filled Life® Bible, 11, “Kingdom Dynamics:
Gen. 4:9, Responsibility for One Another.”]
The Lord asked Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?” Cain replied, “Am I my brother's keeper?” (Gen. 4:9). How
does God's question challenge you to promote unity between racial and cultural groups in the body of Christ?
Paul the apostle to the Gentiles truly understood the need for sensitivity. On the positive side, he made a
point of adapting his speech and pattern of life to whatever culture he ministered in at the time (1 Cor. 9:19–23).
On the negative side, Paul tried to avoid anything that offended those he served (8:13).
How can our insensitivities offend our brothers and sisters in Christ of other races?
When do you think such offenses are our fault and when the fault of the one taking offense?
What are some practical steps you can take to become better informed and more sensitive to other ethnic groups?
In what area of racial relations do you need to work so that you do not give offense and hurt believers of other
races?
From Race & Reconciliation: Healing the Wounds, Winning the
Harvest by Jack W. Hayford with Greg Howse and Michael Posey. Copyright 1996 by Jack W.
Hayford.
