Rejection is a form of loneliness; it is estrangement and isolation from others who have not merely forgotten
you but also have willfully removed themselves from your presence for some reason. Rejection hurts just as loneliness
hurts, but the pain is different. With loneliness, you feel sorrow and sadness that you are alone and separated
from desired fellowship. With rejection, the pain is like that of a rusty, dull knife stabbed into the heart. The
feeling is one of intense pain accompanied by worthlessness. The rejected person readily concludes, “Nobody loves
me; nobody understands me; nobody wants to be around me.”
Those who allow rejection to go unchecked tend to transfer their feelings of rejection by one person or group
of people to all people. They make a basic assumption that everybody is going to reject them. With this
attitude, they make themselves less approachable, less likable (since the new acquaintance is made to feel bad
for something he hasn't done), and more vulnerable to further rejection.
As with all of the negative emotions discussed in this study guide, the cycle is negative. It can result in
• oversensitivity. Feelings are hurt far too easily.
• bitterness at the person who has rejected him.
• resentfulness, especially toward those she feels are not rejected by others.
• suspicions of others. The rejected person may start expecting only bad things in life and, thus, is suspicious
of any person who acts in kindness. The rejected person tends to feel he is being set up for a fall by every person
he encounters.
• isolation. The rejected person often begins to isolate herself so she won't be hurt by others. She can appear
aloof, emotionally distant, or egotistical.
• self-criticalness. The rejected person may put himself down and compare himself unfavorably to others, usually
from the motivation that he is going to set himself up for further rejection before the other party can surprise
him with rejection.
• guilt—assuming that he is worthy to be rejected.
The rejected person may respond by doing everything in her power to prove to herself and others, “I am someone!”
Sometimes this involves changes in appearance, acquisition of status-related possessions, a constant striving for
achievement, or perfectionistic behavior.
No two people react to rejection in exactly the same way. The behaviors that manifest rejection, however, are
potentially damaging in that they fail to deal with the underlying issue of rejection, and they create situations
that require further healing for the person to become emotionally whole. Dealing with rejection is difficult enough
without compounding rejection with resentment, bitterness, guilt, egocentric behavior, or a critical spirit.
• Have you ever felt the pain of rejection? How did you feel? Did you begin to engage in any of the behaviors
described above?
• Do you know someone who has displayed behaviors stemming from rejection? How did you feel in the person's
presence?
The Nature of Rejection
Rejection nearly always arises from one of two sources:
1. Parents' failure to provide expressions of love.
If a child does not receive needed expressions of love, the child grows up feeling that something is missing
or that he was unworthy for some reason of receiving all that he needed.
A child's need for love is just as strong as the basic needs for food and shelter. Children have different capacities
for love, and they require love expressed in varying forms. One child may perceive love in terms of abundant hugs
and kisses. Another child may feel smothered by hugs and kisses and perceive that a parent is loving if the parent
provides a sense of freedom of movement (at the same time staying in close range for protection and approval).
Parents must be sensitive to their child's unique personality and need for love.
2. Criticism from others.
Criticism precedes acts of alienation. A person tends to move away from another person because she has drawn
a conclusion that being around the other person is undesirable, unhealthful, or dangerous. These are critical evaluations.
The rejected person feels not only the isolation when it occurs but also the underlying criticism.
Just as with the root causes of anger, the person feeling rejected may suffer from errors of perception. He
may perceive that he has been rejected when the other person wanted some “alone time,” or he may perceive that
his parents failed to love him fully even though the parents did everything they knew to do to express their love.
Perception governs feelings of rejection, however. It doesn't really matter if the rejection was real or imagined.
The rejected person feels great pain either way.
Furthermore, the sting of criticism associated with rejection may actually be unwarranted criticism. The person
who is doing the rejecting may be suffering from thinking in error or emotional illness. Sometimes a person levels
criticism at another person out of insecurity, jealousy, guilt, or weakness. She projects her own failures onto
the nearest target and fires critical comments in an attempt to make herself feel better. Once she has registered
such intense criticism, rejection follows naturally. It is very difficult for a person who has seriously criticized
another to turn around and openly embrace that person as valuable, lovely, desirable, or worthy.
Meanwhile, the rejected person has little recourse. He can do nothing to turn the tide of criticism or to keep
the rejection from happening. A feeling of victimization can take over if the rejected person doesn't seek God's
healing.
• Have you had an experience in which one or both of these reasons for rejection occurred?
• How did you feel in the wake of rejection?
Self-Rejection
A third source of rejection is perhaps the most damaging to emotional well-being: self-rejection. The person
assumes first that she is worthy of being rejected. Rather than wait for others to reject, the person puts her
life into a rejection stance—isolating herself from others, becoming self-critical, seeking self-validation, striving
for perfection.
Self-rejection nearly always arises from feelings of guilt associated with sin. The person who commits sin against
God or others usually tries to put distance between himself and God or the offended parties.
If you are engaging in this unhealthful emotional response of self-rejection, reread the lesson on guilt. There
is something related to sin and forgiveness with which you haven't dealt, or you may be in self-rejection because
of false guilt.
You may find it very difficult to recognize that your feelings of rejection are the product of your own behavior.
This is something you may need to discuss with a godly counselor who bases advice on God's Word.
• What new insights do you have into the relationship between rejection and emotional wholeness?
The Way Out of Rejection
You must do at least six things to recover from feelings of rejection:
1. Recognize the source of the rejection. Identify specifically who you believe has rejected you. If
you have vague feelings of rejection, talk to a godly person about them. Your rejection is related to something
that someone (or a group of people) has done or said.
As you identify the source of rejection, keep at the forefront of your mind that God never rejects you! He always
is available to you with open arms and a heart of love. Apply the truth of the verses below to your life.
What the Word Says
[Jesus said,] “The one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out” (John 6:37).
What the Word Says to Me
What the Word Says
And the Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let him who hears say, “Come!” And let him who thirsts come. Whoever
desires, let him take the water of life freely (Rev. 22:17).
What the Word Says to Me
What the Word Says
[Jesus said,] “Whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life” (John 3:16).
What the Word Says to Me
• Have you ever felt rejected by God? Who really was the source of teaching you this lie (directly or indirectly
through example)?
2. Separate the person's rejection of you and the rejection of your deeds. This is especially important
if you have been rejected by someone for your witness of Christ or for something good that you did. If love was
your motivation, you are in right standing with God.
Some people cannot accept good from others. Their unworthiness causes them to reject those who bless them. In
like manner, those who haven't yet accepted Jesus Christ as their Savior and Lord find it difficult to accept fully
those who are Christians. The person isn't rejecting you solely; he is also rejecting God.
In cases where you know you have done something bad and the rejection of others is a response to your behavior,
own up to what you have done. Confess your wrong to God and to others. Seek to make amends when possible. Accept
God's forgiveness, and make a new commitment to better behavior. At no time, however, should you draw a conclusion
that you are a bad person who can never be redeemed, saved, or forgiven. Never conclude that you have no value
or worth.
To God, you are always of infinite value and worth. God's love for you has no bounds. You may have acted in
a sinful way—you may even be a sinner, with sin as the state of your soul—but you are not beyond God's ability
to forgive you. Admit what you are feeling, and receive God's forgiveness.
3. Reject the rejection. In the final analysis, only God's opinion of you counts. He never rejects you.
Once you are forgiven by God, you stand in a cleansed state before Him. No amount of dirt that others throw at
you in the form of criticism should be allowed to stick to you. In the face of criticism and rejection, you need
to proclaim with boldness to your spirit, “I am accepted, loved, and forgiven by God, and His response is all that
matters.”
Read these encouraging words from Paul's letter to the Ephesians:
[I] do not cease to give thanks for you, making mention of you in my prayers: that the God of our Lord Jesus
Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes
of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches
of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe
(Eph. 1:16–19).
Paul says that he desires for these Christians in Ephesus to know these things. And we are to know these things
in our lives today:
The hope of God's calling. God desires for you not to be isolated or filled with feelings of rejection;
rather, He desires that you might have hope for the future—that you will enjoy deep and abiding friendships with
other Christians whom the Lord is preparing to bring into your life so that together, you and your new friends,
associates, or coworkers might fulfill God's plan on this earth. God designed His church to function as a body,
and that means God has a role and function for you to fulfill. His purpose for you is not rejection, but fulfillment
in loving relationships with other Christians.
The riches of the glory of His inheritance. There is no eternal blessing that God desires to withhold
from any person who proclaims Jesus as Lord.
The exceeding greatness of His power. Trust God to deal with the person who has rejected you falsely—to
enlighten him in his error, to convict him of his criticism, to move upon his heart so he might treat you with
kindness in the future. God is able and willing to do this. Ask Him to work on your behalf so that all things in
your life will come to a good and fruitful end.
• What new insights do you have into the healing God desires for rejection?
4. Forgive the person who has rejected you. You need to identify the person who caused your feelings
of rejection (step 1) so that you may forgive that person. You must also forgive any person who has erroneously
taught you that God may have rejected you.
Forgiveness does not mean that the person's behavior was right, or that it didn't hurt. No, forgiveness means
letting the offending party go. In forgiving, you are freeing the offending person from your heart and entrusting
the person to God. In freeing her, you are free of her and of her hurtful influence. The person is never
free, however, from God's watchful eye and from what God will require of her.
• Have you ever forgiven someone who wronged you or rejected you? How did you feel when you did this? What
was the result in your life?
5. Put your full focus on God. Concentrate on who God is in your life. He is your Creator, Savior, daily
Comforter, and Counselor. He knows everything about you and loves you unconditionally. He can move heaven and earth
on your behalf. He is always present and available to you. And He will never reject you or disown you.
Even if the entire world seems to reject you, God does not. Invest in the one relationship in your life that
will never be marred by rejection. Spend time with God. Pour out your devotion toward Him. He will bring into your
life others who can receive your talents and gifts, love you deeply, and delight in your unique personality.
Immerse yourself in God's Word so that you can understand more fully the almighty God and heavenly Father who
is the eternal lover of your soul. Stay in close fellowship with Him.
6. Give generously to others. The person who freely and generously gives to others—of time, presence
(more than presents), attention, genuine compliments, a listening ear—is rarely rejected. Turn outward from your
rejection to embrace life and to reach out to other people.
As you read through the verses below, note God's repeated desire to work in you and through you. He longs to
have a relationship with you.
What the Word Says
That you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and
length and depth and height—to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all
the fullness of God (Eph. 3:17–19).
What the Word Says to Me
What the Word Says
Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved
blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it (1 Thess. 5:23–24).
What the Word Says to Me
What the Word Says
That which we have seen and heard we declare to you, that you also may have fellowship with us; and truly our fellowship
is with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ. And these things we write to you that your joy may be full (1
John 1:3–4).
What the Word Says to Me
What the Word Says
[Jesus said,] “Freely you have received, freely give” (Matt. 10:8).
What the Word Says to Me
God's desire for you is not that you feel the anguish and reproach of rejection, but that you experience His
love and that you enjoy the fellowship and friendship of others who follow His Son, Jesus Christ.
For you truly to be healed of the effects of rejection in your life—and to keep this damaging emotion from alienating
you from others—you must choose to allow God's love to enter your heart. Open up your life today to Him. Invite
Him to do His deep, inner healing work in you.
From Becoming Emotionally Whole: Overcome Negative Emotions and Become
Happier and Healthier by Charles Stanley. Copyright 1996 by Charles Stanley.
